There are two things that I love most in this world: my boyfriend and my books. Don’t ask me to choose between them.
If you read my last article (Looking For Fabio but Dating Ichabod Crane) you may have noticed that romance is on my mind these days! During and after the time I spent writing that article, I thought a lot about the different types of romance we read about, and how different it is from how people meet and fall in love today. In fact, I met my own sweetie pie online, but obviously Tinder wasn’t around 10 or 20 years ago.
And so, my brain started thinking about how classical literary characters might go about finding love if they lived in the 21st century. If these people decided to try online dating, they’d have some very interesting profiles, don’t you think? Me too.
Relationship Status: Single till death. The fair sex is Watson’s department.
Interests and Hobbies: Chasing hounds, studying carbuncles, tracking down missing brides, searching for mysterious women, pursuing madmen, obsessing over eccentric criminal geniuses, making smartass remarks, ignoring advice, feeling smarter than everyone else (including you)
Occupation: Solver of problems, ignorer of women
Looking For: The woman
Desired Age: Somewhere between 19 and Mrs. Hudson
Swipe Right If: Your IQ is equal to mine. HAHAHA as if!
Swipe Left If: You don’t like my hat.
2. Captain Ahab
Relationship Status: Married to the sea!
Interests and Hobbies: Thinking about the White Whale, dreaming about the White Whale, talking about the White Whale, hunting down the White Whale, cursing the White Whale, grinning at the White Whale
Occupation: Full time seeker of revenge
Looking For: Someone with a sharp spear and a good aim
Desired Age: As old as the barnacles on the bottom of my ship. Well, okay, preferably a bit younger than that.
Swipe Right If: You know where she blows
Swipe Left If: You don’t like seafood
Relationship Status: Very eligible, with £10,000 a year
Interests and Hobbies: Writing letters, looking down my nose, not dancing, admiring female figures as they walk about the room, bailing out scoundrels who lure innocent girls, being incredibly good looking, proposing to Elizabeth Bennett
Occupation: I’m very busy being filthy rich and looking down my nose at others. And adoring my little sister.
Looking For: Someone tolerable
Desired Age: Not at all as important as a fine pair of eyes
Swipe Right If: You’re handsome enough to tempt me
Swipe Left If: You’re friends with Wickham
Relationship Status: Technically single, but deep in a bromance with Frodo
Interests and Activities: Eating, munching, snacking, tasting, devouring, sleeping, and occasionally fighting off horrifying and terrifyingly evil characters
Occupation: Official protector of Frodo Baggins. And full time second breakfast connoisseur
Looking for: Martha Stewart, the hobbit version
Desired Age: Height matters more than age. I like the tall ladies, around 4’2″ or 3″
Swipe Right If: You want a best friend for life
Swipe Left If: You’re not okay with me dropping everything in life to follow my bestie, Frodo, to the most frightening and dangerous places on earth
Relationship Status: widowed, married, whatever
Interests and Activities: dancing, flirting, being fickle, pretending to be friends with Melanie, fawning over Ashley, fighting with Rhett, glaring at people, gold digging, resenting any and all changes that happen in life
Occupation: Looking out for my own interests at ALL times
Looking For: A sugar daddy who will make Ashely jealous
Desired Age: Frankly, I don’t give a damn
Swipe Right If: Your name is Ashley
Swipe Left If: Your name is Rhett. No, you should swipe right. No, left. No, right. No! Left! NO, RIGHT! DEFINITELY RIGHT!
Relationship Status: It’s beyond complicated
Interests and Activities: Avoiding people, ignoring insults and criticism, wearing drab clothing, staring off into the distance, occasionally hooking up with clergymen
Occupation: Single stay at home mother whose responsibilities include being independent and not needing any help from anyone, ever
Looking for: someone who is color blind Age: old enough to not get me pregnant again
Swipe Right If: you are incredibly inappropriate and/or unavailable
Swipe Left If: you don’t think A is for Adventure
7. Anne Shirley
Relationship Status: Wholly, utterly, and divinely unattached in any romantic entanglements
Interests and Activities: Devouring delicious volumes of story, flying high with my winged gull friends of the sea, floating dreamily in a shallow dory along the gentle waves of a quaint waterway, dreaming of wearing full and fluffy sleeves on a dress made for the finest of balls, avoiding encounters with male scoundrels from my childhood schoolhouse.
Occupation: Full time spinner of tales and reciter of delightful lore, with the ultimate bosom friend responsibilities to the lovely Diana Barry
Looking For: A dashingly handsome and somewhat rogue-ish gentleman to whisk me off my feet
Desired Age: Age is such an uninteresting, unromantic concept, don’t you think? Experience! That is far more exciting and imagination-firing!
Swipe Right If: You relish the thought of leisurely strolls through the White Way of Delight, or around the serene Lake of Shining Waters
Swipe Left If: You don’t think the name Cordelia is the height of beauty and perfect femininity
Relationship Status: Taken/married/widowed/dead
Interests and Activities: Hanging with my Nurse, crying, swooning, falling in love at first sight, hanging out on balconies, visiting churches in secret, drinking poisonous concoctions, faking my own death, chilling in crypts, jumping to conclusions, creating dramatic endings
Occupation: Being rich and obsessing over boys
Looking For: Romeo! Wherefore art thou?
Desired Age: Same as me, in your teens. AKA – way too young to be married
Swipe Right If: Your family is mired in a generations-old vendetta with mine
Swipe Left If: You can’t kiss by th’book
Do you think any of these profiles would be enticing enough for someone to swipe right? Man, would I love to be a fly on the wall at a first date with any of these characters!
YouTube Channel: Jay Dee Archer
Featured image via Kinland