Ariel

Need Anything From Whole Foods? 7 More Online Dating Profiles For Your Favorite Literary Characters

In Contemporary, Drama, Family, Fantasy, George R.R. Martin, Historical Fiction, Humor, J.K. Rowling, L. Frank Baum, Relationships, Roald Dahl, Romance, Time-Travel, Women, WTF, Young Adult by Melanie Pitman

My friends have some very interesting dating lives. One girlfriend told me about a guy she saw on Tinder who had several pics of his feet on display, but none of his face. All his description said is that he likes feet. A lot.

Another guy friend of mine told me about a date he went on where the girl asked him about his annual salary and how big his extended family’s health is, about 15 minutes into the evening. She really wants kids, you see.

Source: Giphy

Source: Giphy

Dating is hard. People are weird.

You know who will never let you down, though? BOOKS. Jon Snow of Winterfell would never tell a girl he’d rather see her in a two-piece than a one-piece bathing suit. David Copperfield never told Agnes that he wanted to “stay in the friend zone” – although he probably thought it. And I’d bet money that Cinderella would never ghost anyone!

If my favorite bookish babes (and beasts) had online dating profiles, they’d be 100% honest. And I bet this is what those profiles would look like.

1. Jamie Fraser

Relationship status: Married to Claire. When she’s here.

Interests and activities: Sword fighting, horseback riding, saving damsels in distress, taking off my shirt, sucking up to rich Frenchmen, trying to Kill Jack Randall, looking roguishly handsome.

Occupation: Lord of the manor/soldier/French wine exporter/politician.

Looking for:  A brazen lady who’s just as gorgeous as me.

Age bracket: About 200 years older than me.

Swipe right if: You’d like a good strapping.

Swipe left if: You don’t like kilts.

Source: Minerva

Source: Minerva

 

2. Willy Wonka

Relationship status: In love with chocolate.

Interests and hobbies: Licking candy canes, chewing gum, munching chocolate leaves, slurping gelatin frogs, savouring Scrumdiddlyumptious-es, chomping on giant gummy bears, slurping soda, and dreaming up more candy concoctions.

Occupation: Running a candy-covered empire!

Looking for: More chocolate!

Age: Not important. Taste in sweets, however, is crucial.

Swipe right if: You’d like to lick my chocolate stick.

Swipe left if: You prefer salty snacks.

 

3. Tyrion Lannister

Relationship status: Single. Divorced. Widower? I’m not sure exactly.

Interests and hobbies: I drink and I know things.

Occupation: Former Hand of the King, current outlaw and advisor to the Khaleesi.

Looking for: Preferably a non-prostitute.

Age: Older than Sansa.

Swipe right if: Size doesn’t matter.

Swipe left if: You’re friends with my father.

Source: Comic Vine

Source: Comic Vine

 

4. Hagrid

Relationship status: Single, but with many, many children to look after.

Interests and activities: Finding and caring for strange pets, keeping secrets for friends (or not keeping them, really), loving and defending my friends no matter what, cooking gross food.

Occupation: Groundskeeper and the general friendly giant at Hogwarts.

Looking for: A large, lovely lady.

Age: 80-odd and still spry, like me!

Swipe right if: You’d like to pet my dragon.

Swipe left if: You are shorter than 8 feet tall.

Source: QuirkyByte

Source: QuirkyByte

 

5. Belle

Relationship status: In love with love!

Interests and activities: Reading, singing, making friends with animals and inanimate objects, reading, dancing, reading, horseback riding, reading, helping my father with his experiments, exploring old castles, reading…

Occupation: Full-time dreamer.

Looking for: Someone to take me away from this provincial life.

Age: Age is so unromantic. I want someone with an open mind, that’s all!

Swipe right if: You don’t live in this backward village.

Swipe left if: Your name is Gaston.

 

6. Lisbeth Salander

Relationship status: Who cares.

Interests and activities: computer hacking, motorbike riding, ignoring rules and social mores, ticking people off, finding dead people who are actually alive.

Occupation: Private investigator. And full-time badass.

Looking for: Nobody. Really.

Age: Doesn’t matter.

Swipe right if: You aren’t a lawyer. Or a reporter. Or a banker. Or a relative of mine.

Swipe left if: You’re blonde and pretty. Blech.

Source: Deviant Art

Source: Deviant Art

 

7. The Wicked Witch of the West/Elphaba Tropp

Relationship status: Single AF

Interests and activities: Chasing children, training flying monkeys, being the butt of people’s jokes, trying to do great things, failing to do great things,

Occupation: Seeker of revenge!

Looking for: Dorothy. DOROTHY!

Age: How old is Dorothy?

Swipe right if: You like streaking across the moonlit sky on a broomstick.

Swipe left if: You wear ruby slippers. I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY!

 

Would you date one of these cool characters? Or would you stick to meeting people in bars instead?

 

Featured image via Mashable